Category: In Your Words – Stories

Getting better is my main focus

First abuse – I was barely 3 years old….a foster home with I don’t even remember how many boys. I was barely 20 and a mom of twins. One child was epileptic and both had learning issues. My family wasn’t as supportive as they could be, and I was pregnant again. Only there’s a slight change this time – I might not be sure of the father, only because I was no longer compliant for sexual exploitation anymore. So he would take the instant gratification and go.

I literally dreamed of her and knew all about her. Even before they could tell what sex! But what if she was his? Would I reject her? Would I love her? What if she’s not his? What if she’s my boyfriends? I picked a family who made all kinds of promises, but they cut me out . She was my boyfriend’s baby but I couldn’t tell everyone. I couldn’t find my voice. I couldn’t fight for myself as usual.

The Impact

I gave away my daughter over sexual abuse. I spent years messing up everything not knowing the damage I was hiding! I struggle in parenting but I’m learning to not only cope but help others see this cycle. I don’t think I will ever be with a man again. I’m 39 and still can not hold a relationship. I may well be poisoned against them permanently. But getting better is my main focus – For my kids and for others who survived the same.

What I want others to know

Getting help and understanding the truth.

This stuff causes victims to feel they deserved it or don’t deserve better – That’s not true!

Guilt and shame are not for you to hold on to. Tell your story until you feel better. And help someone else do the same. This stuff can last a lifetime, and it’s ok to reach out.

A Buried Memory

I had buried the memory of the incident. It only came rushing back into my mind when someone sent a Facebook suggestion that I be his friend. My immediate visceral response was an unequivocal NO.

I reached out to a trusted friend – someone who I had gone through life coach training with and who I knew it was safe to be vulnerable with. I told her my story of when I was about 7 and said, “He molested me, or, well, he touched me inappropriately.” She kindly and firmly told me, “That is molestation.”

I’m glad she brought my attention to the word choice. I guess I was trying to make light of it, to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, to lessen what happened to me. He is a relative – not close – but I was taught in many ways not to rock the boat,not to air the family’s secrets, and that “blood is thicker than water.”

A Compassionate Witness

By calling my experience what it was, that it was indeed molestation, I was able to recognize it was abuse. It also helped me understand why my initial reaction was fear and avoidance.

For me, it was healing to have a compassionate witness who recognized and validated my experience. Later, when I shared with another family member, the reaction was not so positive, and it made me even more grateful for my friend who was able to hold space for me to grieve and who believed me.

Books were my escape

Warning: May contain triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

It’s a fog, but I believe it started at 3yrs. I remember 3 distinct occasions where I was raped by the man who my mother had a relationship with. However, I believe that it happened regularly.

I didn’t understand at the time what was going on, but as I grew older I read and I understood what it was. Books were always my escape. At around 8, was when I knew what he was doing to me. I lived in constant fear, of men being alone with them. I was always anticipating the moment. That he would force himself on me, have his pleasure and then leave. One of the occasion, he was playing a game with my friends and I, where they were getting rides from him. I was reluctant to have close contact with him but being a child it look fun. I eventually joined and after two goes, he forced himself inside of me and whispered in my ear, “Where you feel you going, I was waiting for you.” I immediately froze, went numb and my mind went blank, I strared into space,diassocating myself from what was happening as I always did until he was finished, he let me go and I just drifted off, everyone around oblivious to what just happened. I remember cramps in stomach and blood on my underwear. I never told anyone about this day.

A Lasting Scar

I’m 30 now. It is my belief that my mom knew, but she was powerless as he would physically abuse her as well. To this day, it affects our relationship. I try to understand given her situation she was powerless, but at the same time how could she have allowed it, for so many years. How could she have known and done nothing.

To this day, it affects me. I’m yet to be in a healthy relationship as my marriage ended due to physical and emotional abuse. I am fearful to leave my son in anyone’s company. I don’t want what happened to me to happen to him. I’m in a constant state of stress and fear. However I try my best every day.
The mental, physical, sexual and emotional abuse is a scar for life, that no one can deny.

What I Want Others To Know

Please, seek help and be strong enough to leave any form of abusive relationship. Not only intimate relationships, but any that threatens your self esteem and your worth. If you have children it is best to leave these situations as these cycle tend to repeat themselves. No one wants that for thier children.

There is beauty in healing

There is beauty in healing, broken inner parts (dissociation) from surviving. I resonate with the art of ‘kintsugi. This concept is an old Japanese philosophy’repairing pottery by golden joinery’

The Impact

We can mind our broken parts and our sadness, making them emblems of resilience, the passage of time, and the inevitability of change and transformation!! Like the Phoenix from the ashes, butterfly from a cocoon. Repairing our history we become more beautiful than before, it’s our karma.

What I Want Others to Know

Bringing ‘Kintsugi’ to mind,our cracks and scars can be made into patterns of golden rivers.you become more than you were,more than you are and more of that you will be.. I promise you this,as l can see the world reflecting light from my kingship…..

It Never Crossed My Mind the ‘Aunt’ Would Lie…And Be Believed

Warning: May contain triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse Originally published June 2, 2018

I was seven or so the first time I was left alone with my ‘aunt’. We lived across the street and the family was a big part of our lives. The parting nasty reminder to ‘mind your aunt !’ …. I took that seriously, because of the physical and verbal violence that ensued whenever we were ‘bad’. We were bad a lot!

I was told to undress and get in the bathtub…posed and told what to say…naked and afraid if I didn’t do what she daid, I’d get (another) standing on tippie-toes beating. I knew this wasn’t right, and as soon as my aunt went home, I told ‘mommy’.

I vividly remember her screaming at me, questioning me…and my thinking, as a seven year old, “she’s mad…but she’ll do the right thing”
It never crossed my mind the ‘aunt’ would lie, and be believed.

More screaming as I was told to repeat the words she told me to. Marched across the street, We met in the hallway, I was crying as I repeated,”I’m sorry, aunt ___. I’m sorry I lied”. She said nothing, just hugged me. That night my dad yelled at me, and shamed me by asking if I’d pull down my pants for a stranger on the street.

Convenient Denial

All these years later, I realize it was convenient denial. Not only did the undressing and posing continue, now my ‘uncle’, at the aunt’s sugestion, started playing – and now my younger brother was being undressed and posed. We were left in their care a lot, and they passed us around to their friends, and their cousins.

I touched my first penis at 8 or 9 years old…peed into jars…was a stripper told to open my legs wider…wider, hold ‘it’ (my vagina) open, thats what ‘they’ were paying to see. About this time ‘grandpa’ starting showing us ‘the little man’… He’d draw a face on his penis and show it to us. We’d see his hard penis hanging out of his shorts, wondering why he didn’t know it was hanging out.

never tried to tell again…and the molestation went on for years…

The Impact

I have PTSD and depression from those years, and trust issues. No one that hasn’t experienced this can understand how deeply it affects the survivor, and every aspect of their lives.

What I want others to know/understand

It’s not your fault. You can come to a peaceful place with the trauma with a competent therapist. I am working on it.

Stories: Here’s a Story About a Young Girl

Warning: May contain triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

Here’s a story about a young girl
It’s traumatic and tragic
If you are easily triggered with child rape child abuse and domestic violence please don’t read any further
There was a little girl who lived with her mother and two siblings
The mom was an ok mom even though drugs and alcohol ran her life
One day when she was about 5 her mom came to the 3 kids and told them someone new was moving in
The kids especially the little girl was estatic at the prospect of a new daddy
In the beginning he was pretty awesome buying them stuff and taking them places

Continue reading “Stories: Here’s a Story About a Young Girl”

Stories: A Fresh Start

Warning: May contain triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

I was young, too young, to know what my two brothers were wanting me to do, like suck on my cousin’s penis and who knows who else…I blocked it out. Later in life, after my cousin lived elsewhere, my aunt/uncle lived in the house that this took place in. I babysat their kids and now know why I never wanted to stay overnight; my uncle would drive me back into town.

There were more instances of sexual abuse although more subtle, like my oldest brother putting his hands in my crotch to show me how to hike a ball. It’s like I can still feel his hands pressed against my crotch. Physical abuse went along with all of this.

Continue reading “Stories: A Fresh Start”

Stories: My Anguish Was My Healer

I was a survivor of CSA. Now I am healing back to ME – Who I was suppose to before two malignant narcs or dark triad parents did their vile evil work on me during my developing years.

Their evil mental illnesses caused me despair and suffering, and has caused the next generation to suffer too.

Continue reading “Stories: My Anguish Was My Healer”

I am a 73 year old male
I am a 73 year old male. I discovered my abuse in my late 60’s after 3 years of therapy I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder. It was quite an ordeal to recover these memories. I was abused by my mother and male friends of my family, my male grade school principal. The abuse happened from when I was approximately 4 or 5 until I was 12. Both my mother and father denied this was happening during those years. This denial and punishment did as much damage as the actual abuse.

 

The Impact 
Although I have a very successful business life. CEO of a large company for over 25 years. Underneath I was never happy and felt I belonged. This hidden trauma caused family and marriage issues. Although my marriage has survived 42 years.

 

What I want others to know/understand 
It is never to late to face and find the truth no matter how frightening and terfying it is
How is there not a way to protect children from other children?

Originally published 1/14/2019

Five short weeks after my honeymoon, my then 6 year old made a disclosure that would change our entire forward trajectory. My stepson (9) had shared with him that he had been sodomized by my older stepson (13). Shortly following that disclosure, we found out that my son had also been sodomized by my 9 year old stepson. Immediate separation followed, my son was diagnosed with severe ptsd, and he’s been in weekly therapy for 7 months. My ex was enraged from the getgo that I reported this to child welfare and police. We all know sex abuse comes from somewhere and I wasn’t about to sweep it under the rug. Following the abuse I learned that my father in law is a sex addict, had multiple affairs, and that a number of his family members have been molested.

At the end of the summer, my ex enrolled his son into an athletic program at a school we are at daily, that his kids are unaffiliated with. Clearly this was a calculated move to cause alarm. Naturally, I went to authorities to try and protect my son as their presence caused an immediate regression in PTSD symptoms that had begun to fade. Surprisingly, because my stepson is younger than 12, my son has no rights despite having forensic interview proving sodomy. There’s no consequences and no legal way to allow my son to be free of unwanted contact with his abuser. Though my ex has already demonstrated lack of concern for my son, our divorce judge won’t even grant restraint so that my son is free from unwanted contact. How is there no protection for kids when child on child sexual abuse has the same effect on victims?

300-101   400-101   300-320   300-070   300-206   200-310   300-135   300-208   810-403   400-050   640-916   642-997   300-209   400-201   200-355   352-001   642-999   350-080   MB2-712   400-051   C2150-606   1Z0-434   1Z0-146   C2090-919   C9560-655   642-64   100-101   CQE   CSSLP   200-125   210-060   210-065   210-260   220-801   220-802   220-901   220-902   2V0-620   2V0-621   2V0-621D   300-075   300-115   AWS-SYSOPS   640-692   640-911   1Z0-144   1z0-434   1Z0-803   1Z0-804   000-089   000-105   70-246   70-270   70-346   70-347   70-410