Warning: May contain triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse
I was young, too young, to know what my two brothers were wanting me to do, like suck on my cousin’s penis and who knows who else…I blocked it out. Later in life, after my cousin lived elsewhere, my aunt/uncle lived in the house that this took place in. I babysat their kids and now know why I never wanted to stay overnight; my uncle would drive me back into town.
There were more instances of sexual abuse although more subtle, like my oldest brother putting his hands in my crotch to show me how to hike a ball. It’s like I can still feel his hands pressed against my crotch. Physical abuse went along with all of this.
Struggles with guilt
Advance to age 20 when a druggie impregnated me and now I realize it had been rape; back in 1972 Wisconsin didn’t do abortions so I had to fly to New York and returned without child. Other rapes followed because I no longer cared, like I had no feeling, like that’s what you’re supposed to do…guilt, tremendous guilt. After my divorce (sexual, physical, emotional abuse) then in my 30’s, I ran out of the house to prevent being raped.
Now after many sexual encounters with men I hardly knew, I am wiser! Just recently being diagnosed with PTSD (there are other events that happened in my life other than the sexual abuse) has helped me heal from about 60 years of….gee, what do I say here….I wanna say crap and that’s just what it had been. Trauma, over and over again. It didn’t help that my one protector died @ age 39 when I was 15 and I tried to save him….my Dad. That pile of guilt kept getting higher or deeper however you want to look at it….I’d refer to my depression as the deep abyss, with me always trying to claw my way out. Then I lose custody of my children….guilt galore! Rock bottom! But not anymore! Did I mention that I’m a freelance writer…mostly poetry, which helps me express my innermost feelings, catharsis is what it is!
A new community for support
So now here I am 66, single, with a very loyal golden cocker spaniel and very picky about who even touches me or kisses me. That person has to be pretty darn special!!!! My oldest brother recently tried to reconnect with me. After I asked why they (2 of my brothers were the abusers) disowned me in the first place, there was no response. Fine by me because I don’t need toxic people in my life, even if they are family.
I moved to my present location 10 years ago to escape another abusive relationship; to a town where I didn’t know a soul. A fresh start and now I consider some people in this community as family. They genuinely care about me and my welfare! Amazing!!!! Life can actually be worth living for…that’s amazing for me!!!!