I thought fighting to stay alive was normal

Warning: May contain triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

When I got in my teens, I had these weird flash backs, of someone on top of me, I couldn’t breath. I saw myself floating above me. I thought I was dreaming, I heard my mom, call my dad’s name, I looked over towards her, then my dad yelled go back to bed, I then realized the horror, my dad was on top of me, I felt the pain, I was back in my body, I was told keep my mouth shut and don’t tell anyone or I’d get an a** whipping.

I knew my mom knew what was going on, because she allowed my siblings along with my dad to yell at me, hit on me, make fun of me and call me names. I was taught I should just be there and take it, fighting screaming, getting gang picked on.
My younger sister did me the same emotional way, of narcassistic abuses, as I got older. I thought she loved me, until I found out about her and my daughter, ganging up on me, the same way my narcassistic drunk parents would do to me. My dad blamed me for their divorce, also.

The Impact

I got into a domestic violence relationship. I thought the fighting from my childhood was normal, as with the name calling, being degraded by people that said I love you. I am still lost in my life because I thought fighting to stay was normal, that I had to learn to fight to stay alive, agreeing (with my partner) to sexual abuse along with the bruises and broken bones.

What I Want Others to Know

The local District Attorney and Victims Office, have victim shamed me long enough! This has caused my head trauma! I have been ignored, refused serviced, and even been refused to view the file or purchase a copy from the DA! Why does he hide the information from me, I was the victim to getting hit, I had a valid restraining order in effect to get away from my abuser, and my two childern were not believed either.

2 Replies to “I thought fighting to stay alive was normal”

  1. Wow, chills. So powerful. I’m so sorry you have endured so much. I wish justice was real when it came to these horrific circumstances. Often those in power make it worse not better. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Re victimization through shaming when trying to get help is in my opinion the worst crime committed. Try to stay strong and sending you love and virtual support. Wish I could do more!

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