I have spoken before about how my abuse as a child has caused me to have moments in life that lead to me shutting down. I’m learning that this often happens as a self- defense mechanism.
A survival tool I was never aware I had built into my skill set. A direct response to a threat.
What I neglected to mention and what is equally if not more important, is that each time I resurface from these dark corners of doubt I come back ten times stronger for having been there.
The resilience and the sheer will it takes to face past experiences head on and to continue to claw out of the hurt and keep going holds transforming power. Power that can only be gained from experiencing a specific type of pain.
Guilt, denial, and strength
Since I began publicly advocating for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse, it often feels as if the more I try to move forward, the more circumstances see to it that I remain cemented in the shameful place I had been in previously. Encased in guilt and denial. Quiet, complacent and afraid.
If there is one thing I know to be true, it is that the people in this world that have been repeatedly and intentionally broken and yet continue to get back up are far stronger than the ones trying to keep them down.
Every assault, manipulation, and situation that any abuser put me through has made me stronger. Every defeat supplies me with tools to fight the next battle. Every shameful experience I name out loud creates new ways for me to know that I did nothing wrong and that I have nothing to feel ashamed about.
Every person that tries to make me doubt myself or make me feel that I what I fight for is not worthy of bringing awareness to gives me continued resolve to make sure that my voice will never be silenced again.
Don’t ever assume that my occasional retreats into darkness have not given me the power to light sh*t up when necessary.