Stories

I was counting on her
This is my story. Today I am 31. Up until the abuse started I had a great relationship with my parents. I was attached to my mom. I was called a daddy’s girl, I have 1 brother which is 3 years older than me. We lived in small country towns. Which was how my whole family lived. I feel that my brother was never really there for me which I could of used, specialy since he had too been sexualy assaulted, but doesn’t talk about it. Very sad story there. Now theis days we are distant to each other. I felt…Read More
Killing the Pain
My grandmother told me once, “I just don’t understand why you are so hell bent on destroying yourself.” I wasn’t either. I didn’t know why I would drink myself to oblivion, keep company with every abusive asshole that ever entered my path, ran around on empty, punishing myself. I thought I hated myself. I thought I hated myself but I didn’t know why I did. There was something in me that I was trying so hard to destroy and from the outside looking in, it did look like I was trying to destroy myself. The voice that told me I…Read More
Getting better is my main focus
First abuse – I was barely 3 years old….a foster home with I don’t even remember how many boys. I was barely 20 and a mom of twins. One child was epileptic and both had learning issues. My family wasn’t as supportive as they could be, and I was pregnant again. Only there’s a slight change this time – I might not be sure of the father, only because I was no longer compliant for sexual exploitation anymore. So he would take the instant gratification and go. I literally dreamed of her and knew all about her. Even before they…Read More
Triggers
After reading the stories of others I get triggers that bring memories of certain traumatic experiences. When I was in High School, a guy I had met came to my house one night. My mother was not home. I never imagined what was about to happen. I let him in the door he backed me into my bedroom. He was a pretty big guy that had played football in school. He got on top on me and raped me. I fought and cried as I fell between the bed and the wall. The next morning I went to school with…Read More
A Buried Memory
I had buried the memory of the incident. It only came rushing back into my mind when someone sent a Facebook suggestion that I be his friend. My immediate visceral response was an unequivocal NO. I reached out to a trusted friend – someone who I had gone through life coach training with and who I knew it was safe to be vulnerable with. I told her my story of when I was about 7 and said, “He molested me, or, well, he touched me inappropriately.” She kindly and firmly told me, “That is molestation.” I’m glad she brought my…Read More
Books were my escape
Warning: May contain triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse It’s a fog, but I believe it started at 3yrs. I remember 3 distinct occasions where I was raped by the man who my mother had a relationship with. However, I believe that it happened regularly. I didn’t understand at the time what was going on, but as I grew older I read and I understood what it was. Books were always my escape. At around 8, was when I knew what he was doing to me. I lived in constant fear, of men being alone with them. I was…Read More
There is beauty in healing
There is beauty in healing, broken inner parts (dissociation) from surviving. I resonate with the art of 'kintsugi. This concept is an old Japanese philosophy'repairing pottery by golden joinery' The Impact We can mind our broken parts and our sadness, making them emblems of resilience, the passage of time, and the inevitability of change and transformation!! Like the Phoenix from the ashes, butterfly from a cocoon. Repairing our history we become more beautiful than before, it's our karma. What I Want Others to Know Bringing 'Kintsugi' to mind,our cracks and scars can be made into patterns of golden rivers.you become…Read More
It Never Crossed My Mind the ‘Aunt’ Would Lie…And Be Believed
Warning: May contain triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse Originally published June 2, 2018 I was seven or so the first time I was left alone with my ‘aunt’. We lived across the street and the family was a big part of our lives. The parting nasty reminder to ‘mind your aunt !’ …. I took that seriously, because of the physical and verbal violence that ensued whenever we were ‘bad’. We were bad a lot! I was told to undress and get in the bathtub…posed and told what to say…naked and afraid if I didn’t do what she…Read More
How is there not a way to protect children from other children?
Five short weeks after my honeymoon, my then 6 year old made a disclosure that would change our entire forward trajectory. My stepson (9) had shared with him that he had been sodomized by my older stepson (13). Shortly following that disclosure, we found out that my son had also been sodomized by my 9 year old stepson. Immediate separation followed, my son was diagnosed with severe ptsd, and he’s been in weekly therapy for 7 months. My ex was enraged from the getgo that I reported this to child welfare and police. We all know sex abuse comes from…Read More
My Toolbox
By Anthony Carrone In my last article, I mentioned the tools I try to use every day to continue coping with my memories of sexual abuse. For me, coping is a never-ending process. Unfortunately, my tools don’t make the memories go away, but I can’t think of a healthy alternative that does. Like many tool boxes, the tools in my box were acquired over time. I don’t use all of my tools every day, and sometimes I need WD-40 to get them working correctly, but knowing I have a set to use is helpful in its own way. My toolbox:…Read More

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