I was sexually molested by my brother when I was a young. You can read my first post where I talk more about my past. You can also check out my post where I talk about how I effectively deal with my stress, anxiety and depression in a healthy way. Lately, I’ve needed to use all of the tips I talked about in that post. Some days are harder than others when dealing with the emotions that follow abuse and recently I’ve just needed some extra support. I am writing this story in case someone out there is in a similar situation. I want you to know you’re not alone and it’s okay to not know what to do.
So, this is the situation. My brother stopped using me as a sexual toy a long time ago. To be quite honest, I’m not exactly sure when it stopped, but it was before jr high school. I knew what was happening was wrong, so I told my mom at some point, but she didn’t know what to do. I’m not sure she truly believed it. I talk to her about it today and I can tell it really hurts her. I don’t blame her for not doing more. I think she was sick to her stomach and scared. Unfortunately, since it felt like no one believed me, or it didn’t matter, I kinda stopped trying to let people know what was going on and kept everything to myself. That’s a lot to keep inside for a young kid.
As I got older and he stopped, no word was ever spoken about it between us, or anyone else. To me, it seemed like my brother acted like it never happened. No apology, no conversation, no acknowledgment of anything ever happening. I mean, nothing. I couldn’t figure out how to deal with my feelings. He went off to college and failed out after one semester. He started getting in trouble after that and it has been a roller coaster ride of jail, drugs, seeming to get better, more drugs, girls, drugs, and now more jail, ever since. In all that time, I’ve been distant, but there if he absolutely needed me.
For me, keeping everything inside for so long really screwed me up. I was going down a destructive path in late high school and early college. I didn’t know how to handle all the things I was reliving in my head. Thankfully, I was court ordered to see a therapist after starting (and ending) a bar fight. That was a true blessing in disguise. Since then, I’ve opened up to a therapist, my mother, a few close friends, and I was able to change the path I was on. But never him. I never confronted him. I still haven’t to this day. What was I going to say? How would I approach him about what he did to me?
I’ve been close to confronting him a few times, but I haven’t for several reasons. One excuse that always pops up for me is the thought that I’ll make his situation worse by bringing it up, and I’m doing okay so why do I even care anymore.
But I do care. I’ve always cared. I just want him to know that I remember, and I’m pissed.
But I’m scared. I’m scared he’ll say he didn’t do it. Or he doesn’t remember. And even if he does admit it, what would I do? He’s already in jail. Maybe it would be a good thing. Maybe something happened to him in the past and he could open up about it. Maybe he realized he made horrible mistakes and is truly sorry but doesn’t know how to say it. Maybe he would be so embarrassed that I called him out that he would do something bad to himself. I don’t know the answer to any of these things. It’s not my job to guess how he would react, or my fault for how he reacts.
Not confronting him keeps our interactions (as few and far between as they are) very surface level. I pretty much listen to him talk and then zone out because most of what he says is total BS. I get very anxious anytime I am going to be around him.
I’ve decided to keep these questions unanswered right now. For me, I’m deciding to focus on my job and my girlfriend. They both bring me so much happiness and satisfaction and I feel good. Maybe the time to confront him is in the near future. Maybe it’s not. I think I will know when I am ready. Until then, I am going to live my life and look forward. I will have days when it bugs me, and I’ll have days when it bugs me less. But I’ll be okay.