Today

There is this constant feeling of not fitting in. Of disassociation. It takes monumental effort to speak. To get me to come out of the corner I have been hiding in my whole life. Then after all the work to reach me I’m gone in a fraction of a second.

Terrified of being noticed or exposed or heard. Ashamed of anything I said or shared.

Why am I still so afraid?

Silent screaming.

I have nothing to hide anymore.

How can I continue to have so much hatred and anger? I can’t get upset when people don’t listen if I am not speaking.

Not everyone is out to get me.

Rationally I know this.

It doesn’t lessen the fear.

I sometimes wish there was a way to get everyone to understand but I also know understanding is an overused concept.

Today I’m feeling ashamed.

I know I often tell others that we shouldn’t feel that way and that we need to know our worth and that we didn’t deserve what happened to us. I also know that healing or attempting to sucks and is not going to be a straight or easy path.

I would like to believe that someday I can stay above a 7 without having to plummet straight to zero, taking everyone in my way along for the ride.

This post was originally published on October 11, 2015

2 Replies to “Today”

  1. I can relate. I’m often “frozen” and can’t speak or even move sometimes. If I don’t feel safe, I literally can’t speak. It’s so Hrs to have relationships, especially intimate ones and marriage is the hardest of all.

    1. Thank you for sharing Lisa. I’m been wanting to write about relationships. It’s hard for me to share that because I just don’t like who I am, who I’ve had to be. I’m either completely detached or very rarely idealize and scare people. I’m hard to love and I don’t try to be. It’s isolating and so very hard to talk about. Thank you again, it means so much to hear from others experiencing the same hurt.

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