Today

Today

There is this constant feeling of not fitting in. Of disassociation. It takes monumental effort to speak. To get me to come out of the corner I have been hiding in my whole life. Then after all the work to reach me I’m gone in a fraction of a second.

Terrified of being noticed or exposed or heard. Ashamed of anything I said or shared.

Why am I still so afraid?

Silent screaming.

I have nothing to hide anymore.

How can I continue to have so much hatred and anger? I can’t get upset when people don’t listen if I am not speaking.

Not everyone is out to get me.

Rationally I know this.

It doesn’t lessen the fear.

I sometimes wish there was a way to get everyone to understand but I also know understanding is an overused concept.

Today I’m feeling ashamed.

I know I often tell others that we shouldn’t feel that way and that we need to know our worth and that we didn’t deserve what happened to us. I also know that healing or attempting to sucks and is not going to be a straight or easy path.

I would like to believe that someday I can stay above a 7 without having to plummet straight to zero, taking everyone in my way along for the ride.

This post was originally published on October 11, 2015

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